I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
