girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
