This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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