Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Randomize
