you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Just fell off a train. Bad.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
