whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
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