You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
my liver is dry heaving
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
