Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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