got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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