Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
