respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Are my feet made of real feet?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
