it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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