there's paper in my vomit.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
