You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
