new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
