Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
