Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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