I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
