I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize
