The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Come on in and take your pants off
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