She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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