Too much gin, very little bucket
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
