Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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