mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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