If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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