he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
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