my text book just quoted the cookie monster
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
