My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
