We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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