You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
The power of my boobs compel you
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
