um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
