Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
that is very illegal...i love you.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
