I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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