I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
