I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
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Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
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When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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