in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
