I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
