It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
