my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
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Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
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You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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