did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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