we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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