I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
