I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
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Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize