I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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