I'm going to jail i love you
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
