someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
What a dumb baby whore.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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