Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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