I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Four minutes until I can fart!
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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