My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I need help removing her.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
