dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
