Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
