Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
