guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
