I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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