Non-Jews are for practice
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
