I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
