His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
