they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
