So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
